Day 2

Don't forget - we lose an hour of sleep tonight!

Daily Bible: November 2

Scripture read today: Mark 14:53-65; Matthew 26:57-68; Mark 14:66-72; Matthew 26:69-75; Luke 22:54-62; John 18:25-27; Mark 15:1; Matthew27:1-2; Luke 22:66-71; Matthew 27:3-10

Jesus is sentenced to death. Peter denies Jesus not once, not twice, but three times. Lastly, Judas hangs himself.

Big words - words directly from the mouth of Jesus - are what ultimately serve as the sentence to death for Jesus. However, what struck me was how hard the government worked to find reason to sentence Jesus to death. They brought in all these liars to come up with good reasons to kill him. The problem with liars is that they were eventually caught in their lie. It made me wonder - if the liars had done a better job, would Jesus have spoken to say that he would be seated at the right hand of the father? In other words, was Jesus forced to say what he did because he knew it would be inflammatory enough to get what he was looking for - a death sentence?

Can you imagine what that situation must have been like? Imagine a modern-day courtroom. You're being charged with murder and it comes with a death sentence. The prosecution has presented their case and it is riddled with holes. They have no case. Yet, you know you are guilty. Do you present the court with the evidence of your guilt? Or, do you say to yourself "they didn't do their job well" and take the not guilty verdict?

Now, of course, we have the modern benefit of understanding the full story of Jesus and the resurrection. And we can only assume that Jesus understood what was to happen to. That being said - Jesus is in the above situation. His "get out of jail free card" was presented to him - no one could even lie well enough to create a case against him! He could have walked away. He does not do this though, he gives them the case and is handed the "guilty" verdict.

I'm back!

It never ceases to amaze me how I can have something on my internal "to do list" for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years and it still will never get done. Yes, I have never entirely forgotten about the fact that I had this blog and that I have been meaning to provide some sort of update.

My mind is filled with things I have meant to say - some sort of update on life or on how my job was going. It's also filled with things that I still hope to say - I do actually have a plan for how I will be able to write every day. At the moment though, I am watching the coverage of the tsunami and earthquake damage in Japan and the coastline in CA. I feel I cannot go on without expressing my prayers for all who are impacted by this natural disaster - all who have lost a loved one, a friend, everything they own, a place to work, land, a place of memories, etc. May those who have been impacted be able to find their basic needs taken care of and comfort for their pain.

I'm a few days late for starting something for lent but I've started everything a little late this year. I had a bad ear infection over the New Year and I had a bad fever that I could only keep down with medication on Ash Wednesday. Therefore, I'm learning that late is often better than never. I've never been very good at giving something up for lent - for example if I give up a food item up after a week or two I forget that I cared that much about the given food and find something else to replace it. Therefore, the past few years I've been trying to add practices to my life during Lent that make me a more well rounded person. This year I have decided to blog every day as part of my journaling practice. I am reading the Bible every day - the "One Year Chronological Bible: The entire New Living Translation in 365 daily reading arranged in the order the events actually occurred."

Let me be honest - I've been reading this Bible for about 3 years now. Therefore, I'll be starting this practice on what is labeled "November 1" in the book. Here is the scripture I'll be reading today:

John 18:1-2; Mark 14:32-42; Matthew 26:36-46; Luke 22:39-46; Mark 14:43-52; Matthew 26: 47-56; Luke 22:47-53; John 18:3-24

What you'll find is that due to the chronological nature of the layout of this Bible, I will be reading the same aspect of the story of Jesus from each Gospel. Ironically, this will be starting with Jesus in the garden/grove of Gethsemane.

In Gethsemane, Jesus says "Please take this suffering from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." This line stood out to me today, because I read it differently than I did in the past. In the past I always read it as though Jesus was conflicted. On the one hand, Jesus understands that he is about to be put to death on a cross and he knows it will be painful and lives in some fear of that path and is asking God for a different plan. On the other hand, Jesus knows that he is following the path that God has highlighted and Jesus trusts God over himself to know which path is best. However, when I read this passage today, I read it as though Jesus is saying to God, "I'm doing this for you but could you please take away my suffering while I do it"?

I'm sure I heard it this way because I had a similar prayer last night. I was up worrying about things I need to do today. I know what it is I need to do but it's not going to be very pleasant. Therefore, I was praying to God to ease my anxiety, let me sleep, so that no matter how things went down today I could act as God would like me to act. It would often be easier to do the things I need to do if there was less anxiety surrounding those things.

I also found it interesting that Jesus asks his disciples to keep watch. Does Jesus not trust himself at first? Does Jesus trust himself by the end because through his prayers and through watching the Disciples he knows he has the strength to do what comes next?

The kiss from Judas caught my attention today in a new way also. It is interesting to me because it means that the guards that are with Judas will not recognize Jesus from among his disciples. I always think that Jesus was a somehow notable figure. When Jesus traveled, many followed asking for healing. I would think this would make one a recognizable. However, this obviously must not be the case. And maybe he was - to those who needed him. However, he may not have been recognizable to others. There was actually some question as to which one of the men who travel together is Jesus. What if Judas had chickened out and kissed the wrong guy?

Highlights of the last month

First, I must apologize for it being so long since I last wrote. I can't even believe it has been that long. Big things happened in this last month ... here are the highlights:

SSP - Sierra Service Project

The last week in July, I left with the youth from Claremont UMC on a mission trip to Covelo, CA/ more specifically to an Indian Reservation called Round Valley. A little history seems appropriate: Sierra Service Project is a nonprofit organization that was founded in 1975 by United Methodist pastors. It was based off a a similar organization called Appalachian Service Project (ASP). As a youth and young adult, I went on ASP every year since I was old enough to go. Therefore, I was overjoyed when the youth asked if I would serve as a chaperon. I have to admit, it was almost ironic that I was asked to go - I remember when I moved to CA I threw away all my old ASP clothes thinking "I won't be able to go on ASP again for a while - I don't need these." I still wish I hadn't done that - but the good will provided the inexpensive clothes I needed. I also had to get past the thought of "dang - I am old enough to be a chaperon!?!" Even as my last few trips to ASP were as an "adult" - I didn't actually have any responsibility and my father was still there. This would be my first trip without my father and actually leading my own group. Can we say responsibility? So with some trepidation and tons of excitement I drove over 10 hours from home with 19 youth and three other adults to Covelo, CA.

If you've ever gone on a mission trip, then you will understand when I say that words do not do justice to the experience. One of my best friends, Aeron, and I have always said that nothing would ever beat our first year on ASP; no matter how amazing the following years there was a special nostalgia attached to the first year. Well, this, my 10th (or more, I've lost count) mission trip experience falls a very, very, very close second to that first trip - it's almost tied. That is how amazing this experience was.

On this trip, and for the first time since my honeymoon, I finally felt I was in the right place at the right time. I felt that the gifts that I have been studying and honing for the past 4 years could be used - and they were used and it felt amazing! I counseled both adults and youth. I co-led a group of 6 youth in building a large deck.

Speaking of leading a group of youth to build ... I have so much respect for my father who led groups by himself for about 10 years! In my sweet childlike mind I had somehow just expected that my father just knew how to do this building stuff. Now I know, that's not the case. Like me he was just following instructions ... it was a lot like putting together bookshelves from Ikea. You can see the picture, you have most of the tools ... but it's really luck and brains that get you to a completed project. My respect for his work and leadership did increase, though. (Don't worry - I immediately called him when I got home and told him this.)

Obviously, building a deck is a huge self-esteem boost. The whole week was an energy boost for me. The on-site staff were amazing and an inspiration for all. This was their second to last week of the summer - they'd been working for the past 6 weeks or so on previous projects and with all Jr. High. One might think that this staff would be slightly tired. They might have been tired, but they never let that show. They gave these youth everything they had. They danced with the youth, they shared their life experiences with the youth, some of them even drove over 3 hours out of their way on Saturday to be able to give the youth of CUMC one of the biggest and best surprises! I came home with way more energy than I left with (though I was physically exhausted!).

So, a huge part of the experience was how amazing it felt to feel useful and how much energy the week gave me. It was also an incredibly spiritual experience for me. This spirituality had two components. The first one was connected to that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. Not only was I in the right place at the right time, but I could see the ingenuity of God to call this particular group of over 70 people together. Now, this is not the time for me to describe my understanding of how God calls people and people have to respond so let me just say that it was refreshing to see the amazing amount of inclusion that can occur between 70 strangers when all 70 are saying yes to God at the same time. No one left Covelo feeling like they did not have a place in the group. It may not have been the place they wanted or envisioned upon arrival in Covelo, but a place of acceptance was found by all. It's always a blessing to hear a youth say they have found a place where they knew they were important. The second component was personal. God and I have a lot of conversations about patience. Now, I never ever pray to ask God for patience because of the fear that God will then create a situation where I have to learn to use it. I still hope to be known for the saying "Patience is a virtue ... that I do not have time for." Thus, you can imagine how I've been enjoying my constant job searching and what I may have been talking to God about. I can't say that I heard anything specific from God over the week, but every time I prayed I was reminded of how amazing the week was - I felt God telling me to live in the moment - learn from it.

While I'm not sure what I am supposed to learn from the week, two amazing things have occurred since I came home from Covelo.

1. I was interviewed for, offered, and accepted a full time job!

While I was in Covelo (and without cell service - so much for the large network AT&T supposedly provides... I'd have had cell service if I were a Verizon customer, anyways, ...) I got a call for a job interview. As soon as I got home, I was able to call and schedule an interview. The interview and the follow-up interview went well and I was offered a full time position as an enrollment counselor for Concordia's Online Degree Program. I will be helping students enroll for their classes, determine which classes are best for them, helping them get their books, and helping them determine the best way to finance their education. I start the week of Labor Day.

2. I have also been seriously thinking about what future roll(s) I would like to be playing in the United Methodist Church. I am slowly working on ordination. The moving of states really slows everything down. Anyways, I still want to do consulting work with churches who are in struggle - but I would also love to focus on youth, young adults and small groups. These church groups just really energize me and with my background of counseling and groups I think it would be a great match.

Needless to say, I'm so excited about a full time job. A good friend of mine pointed out that the job really works well with what I want to do with youth and young adults - as it shows that I can work well with that age group and care enough to work with them.

The future is looking very exciting. SSP has served as the fuel for this transition. I feel very blessed.

My side of an argument ...

Thinking as a therapist when it comes to drug and alcohol (mis)use, I am apt to get into arguments with people about the use of recreational drugs. The line I hear the most and, therefore have the strongest reaction to goes like this: "The drugs help me do my best work". First of all, I will always think this is a cop out because, well, if you want an altered state you can find it through meditation so there is NO NEED for drugs. Secondly, I react to the dependency in what is being said. Saying "I need it to do my best work" is a statement of dependence. It is a statement of dependence for the implication is that without the drugs/alcohol your work would be less than your best. If instead of saying that the drugs help you do your best work, you say that you enjoy writing while you're in an altered state so you take drugs before you write - this is not a statement of dependence. However, you will still need to make sure the drugs/alcohol are not interfering with your every day life or being used as a crutch to succeed in life (beware: you are rarely the best judge of this).

Of course, I personally don't do drugs and I do not drink in excess with any regularity. Maybe this means I don't know what I'm talking about. While I do not believe I need to have experienced everything in order to speak about it, I can understand this argument. Therefore, I am going to quote someone who has been there to the extent that he writes, "At the end of my adventures I was drinking a case of sixteen ounce tallboys a night, and there's one novel, Cujo, that I barely remember writing at all" (pg 99). That's right, the following statement (and the previous) comes from Stephen King in his book "On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft". He writes:

"The idea that creative endeavor and mind-altering substances are entwined is one of the great pop-culture myths of our time. The four twentieth-century writers whose work is most responsible for it are probably Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Sherwood Anderson, and the poet Dylan Thomas. They are the writers who largely formed our vision of an existential English-speaking wasteland where people have been cut off from one another and live in an atmosphere of emotional strangulation and despair. These concepts are very familiar to most alcoholics; the common reaction to them is amusement. Substance-abusing writers are just substance abusers -- common garden-variety drunks and druggies, in other words. Any claims that the drugs and alcohol are necessary to dull a finer sensibility are just the usual self-serving bullshit. ... Creative people probably do run a greater risk of alcoholism and addiction than those in some other jobs, but so what?" (pg 98-99).

If you're reading this and still believe I have no clue what I'm talking about, I'm okay with that. I hope that if you are that you will take a moment and assess your dependency on drugs or alcohol. If the drugs/alcohol do not seem to be interfering with your life - that's great! If you do believe you need the drugs/alcohol in order to do your "best" work - I hope you will find yourself knocking on the nearest drug rehab center door.

Let your best work speak for who you are - not for the drugs that you use.

What is fear afraid of?

A few days after my parents left for Seattle, I went back to looking for a job full time. After having no luck finding chaplaincy openings on the major jobs sites, I decided to go directly to the source. I went to the websites of every major hospital in the LA and Claremont area and found one chaplaincy job opening. Only one! Unfortunately, it was at St. Vincent's and it was for a catholic chaplain. Therefore, I really found zero job openings. Sigh

Needless to say, this news totally deflated by "find a job" bubble and kicked up (all at once) all my anxieties about getting a job. I cried for an hour - would have been longer but I had to go to my part time job. I fear that I'm never going to find a job that uses the degrees that I have worked so hard to receive. Then I get angry that I went through so much crap to get one of them and now it's not helping me on my career path. I fear that Jeremy is going to have to struggle to pay more than his half of our bills while he is working to finish his Ph D. I want to work so that he can go to school without the stress of having to make money. Plus, I know that he'll be happy if I'm happy and so I want to be happy not only for myself but for him. Lastly, of course this also started a cycle of internal negativity that goes something like this: I'm upset because I don't have a job, then I think I should be okay with not having a job because I shouldn't define myself by my job, but then I know that I define myself that way (I've always been the job - I've always been a student and student worker), and thus I get upset that I am upset when I'm telling myself not to be upset.

While I know that I shouldn't let my fears run my life - I also know that the fears I state above are not entirely unfounded. California doesn't accredit a lot of its own schools in terms of counseling, so you can imagine what they think of an out of state degree. I'm still working towards ordination in the UM church - an act more easily completed if I would stay in one state for the next few stages. On the other hand, while Jeremy is under a lot of stress with working and school - he probably wouldn't be doing any less even if I did have a full time job.

While I'm still allowing myself to experience these feelings, I have come to some interesting discoveries about fear. Fear is a complicated emotion and I can be fearful of fear. For instance, my fear of not having a job keeps me ever applying because I know that if I don't apply I will never land a job. I don't know enough people out in CA to network my way into a job, therefore applications are my only hope. It's as though I am fearful of the fear that I will never have a job. This fear of fear seems to serve as a motivator. However, fear can also serve as an immobilizer. Sometimes the fear that I'll never get a job leads to the thought - "why bother applying?" On these days it is a lot harder (if not near impossible) to apply for jobs. I fear pain and needles - so while this keeps me away from intravenous drugs it also keeps me from getting regular shots (like tetanus) if I can get away with not having them, of course. When getting a shot I have to convince myself that I am more fearful of the disease I am being vaccinated for than I am the needle itself.

This has affected the way that I talk to people about fear. What does it mean to face fear? Is it just not feeling scared? It seems that I face fear with fear. I used to think that fear could be quantified ... fear in small doses was probably helpful but more inhibiting in larger doses. I'm not sure that recent experiences are falling in line with this theory. The question has become, how do I tap into the motivational fear and not be inhibited by fear? Maybe fear is only afraid of itself?

Vegas Baby Vegas

I was in Las Vegas last week with my parents and Jeremy. It was a wonderful, relaxing time. By Wednesday I think I had finally let go of my anxiety about not having a full time job and taking a week off of my part time job (more on that in a later post).

We saw most of the big sites and major casinos in Vegas. I dreamed of pulling off a heist like Ocean's 11. Of course, instead, I lost 6 dollars by gambling. (I was up a few times but I wasted it all away on the hopes of a bigger win). We started the trip with a big bang and we saw "The Lion King". It was amazing! The actors were amazing - the choreography is top notch - every inch of the stage is utilized in amazing ways - I think I could see the show another 15 times and see something new every time. I cannot say enough about the amazingness of this show. If you have the opportunity - go see it. It will be worth your time. The new songs that are added for the show aren't all that exciting, but it's hard to top something written by Elton John. The Lion King was showing at the Mandalay Bay casino - so we also spent a little time looking around there. Each casino has it's own flavor, so to speak. So it was fun just to walk around the different ones.

The next day we spent the morning in the pool. The pool was heated and it was in the high 80s that day - so it was a little like swimming in bath water. Fun though. We had a wonderful buffet at the Main Street Casino for lunch and dinner at the Hoffbrau House. (Sorry if I'm just butchered the German language there.) The Hoffbrau House isn't identical to the one in Germany, but it's close. It was fun and loud. LOL Good beer, I hear. (Hard to know for sure since I don't drink beer myself.) We ended the evening at the Bellagio and saw the dancing water fountain. They didn't play Clair de Lne by Debussy like at the end of Ocean's 11 - I was slightly disappointed. The Bellagio is gorgeous though.

Tuesday we went to the Mirage to see the Secret Garden and Dolphin Park. They have some beautiful animals there, including a baby leopard named Java. Jave was cute and playful. That night we saw Bette Midler in concert. Bette puts on a wonderfully entertaining show. She is the people's Diva - had to fight for that spot with Sarah Palin.

Wednesday we left the strip and drove out to Hoover Dam. What an amazing feat of engineering. It would cost a fortune to build today; not that I coudln't help thinking about what project Obama could start that would similarly help Americans out of this depression. That evening we walked around the MGM Grand, had amazing food at a Spanish Tapas restaurant, and saw the Star Trek movie. The Star Trek movie is worth the hype. It is clever science fiction writing, good looking actors (who can actually act ... though we are comparing them to the actor who made a living off the term "bad actor" - William Shatner. Who, by the way, I absolutely love in Boston Legal), and great direction by JJ Abrams.

The next day was gloomy and cold (for Vegas). So I went the gym and ran about 3 miles in 30 minutes. I'm not breaking any records with the 10 minute mile - but if you know me, you know I HATE RUNNING! I'm trying to have a better attitude about it and so I'm proud of my 10 minute mile. We spent the afternoon playing games in the suite - I'm awesome at Scrabble Slap. Jeremy was one with the dice in "Phase 10 the dice game". My dad was a good sport - he hates losing and didn't win a single game - though he came in second at Scrabble Slap. We had a wonderful Italian dinner at the Venetian. The Venetian has the cutest shopping/restaurant area. Then we saw the Blue Man Group. The Blue Man Group is awesome! I have not laughed like that in a long time. That show is keeps you engaged with all your senses - and is even partly educational. Fun fun! A must see in Las Vegas.

Friday we left the strip again and drove out to the Valley of Fire. It was gorgeous! The pictures do not do it justice. We walked up a short, 1/2 mile trail where at the end was a "tank" made out of the rocks where water collects. There was a little water in it. I guess some guy named Mr. Mousse hid out there in the late 1800s and that water was how he survived. Hard to imagine, I must admit. In the evening we went for Thai food. It was my mother's first experience with Thai. It was unfortunately not the best food as it had lots of cilantro in and my mom and I are not big fans - we think it tastes like soap. Oh well. Then we went to an art fair in the evening. The art was local artists - everything from photography or paintings to jewelry. There were some really strong artists and then some things that I could have done with my eyes closed which I do not think should qualify as art.

On Saturday we went to the Luxor and the Excalibur (because it was right next door). The Excalibur is the cheesiest of the casinos. It's where you go if you decided to bring your kids to Vegas. The Luxor was fun because it had a nice exhibit about the Titanic. I learned that there were quite a few people who were "transferred" to the Titanic from other ships for various reasons. I'm sure that would have seemed like an awesome thing, at the time. Many of these transfers didn't survive though, as they were transfered to second or third class. The exhibit really highlighted the class distinctions. It had a lot of the actual items recovered from the "crash" site. Thus, it showed which china was used in first class and what the rooms looked like and sounded like in third class. It was depressing, of course, but interesting. We ended the week by going to the Freemont street experience - which is a light display shown over a bunch of shops and a casino. It's fun but it doesn't top the fountain at the Bellagio or a good fireworks display.

We had to get up early on Sunday so I could make it to work at noon. My parents came home with us. They stayed through Wednesday. It was fun to show them around. We had bad luck with things being open that we wanted to see ... the Village in town is pretty much closed on Monday - which I forgot until we were walking around. Then we tried to go to an art museum in Pasadena on Tuesday to find that all the museums are closed on Tuesdays. Anyone else think that's random? We did. We finally went to the museum on Wednesday. My parents flew up to Seattle on Thursday morning and I mourned that they were gone. I really loved having them around.

So that's been the last week and a half. I hope you enjoyed the pictures. More pictures are posted on facebook. Vegas is fun - its goal is to take your money but give you entertainment in return. If you need to relax - I highly suggest it.

How should leadership function?

Earlier this week the courts in California upheld proposition 8 - the proposition that strips the rights of homosexual couples to obtain a marriage license in the state of California. While I mourn with those whose rights have been taken away and I celebrate with those 18,000 couples whose marriages were upheld, I am torn about whether or not to be angry with the courts for their decision.

What is leadership? Is leadership speaking for the voice of the people who have voted you into the leadership position? Or is leadership about making decisions that may go against the populace but be in the best interest of the populace?

As someone who is often like Goldilocks - not in breaking into houses but in liking things "just right", I believe that leadership is both. The question then is when should the leadership choose to lead by popular opinion and when should they lead by "best interest"?

Of course, maybe the irony of this is that the leaders that spring to my mind who led by "best interest" were not elected officials - Martin Luther King Jr. (though he did seem to be "elected" by his peers as their leader) and Jesus. These two men led by example, an example that was counter to the rules and beliefs of the greater populace of their times.

The other irony is the question, "What determines whether the "best interest" form of leadership was actually in the best interest of the populace?" While racism unfortunately still exists in the world, most people would agree that racism is inherently hurtful/harmful to the betterment of the world. However it seems obvious that during MLK Jr's time that his leadership was not in line with what the greater populace believed. Therefore from my 21st century viewpoint I can see that MLK Jr stood for what was right even in the face of a majority who believed otherwise. However, that is the advantage of hindsight. Is there a way to determine what is "right" without hindsight?

At this point, it's probably obvious that I am trying to convince you, the reader, AND myself that the courts should have found a way to lead by "best interest". The problem, for me, is that I really like voting. I'm a new California resident and I am loving voting every few months. Now, it's frustrating that more people don't vote identical tickets to myself - half the votes at least have not gone my direction. Doesn't matter for my enjoyment though. I love it! I like having the right to vote and make decisions about this state at the ballot box. In this weeks court decision, the judges ruled that reversing Prop 8 would negate this right. I appreciate their apprehension here. What would be the point of voting if the courts were to overturn the vote?

Where does this leave me? I'm still pondering. At this point, I can only hope I get to vote again and again until the majority of the population is in line with my understanding of love and homosexuality. The "majority" in this last vote was ~ 52% to 48%. That is a majority but it's not an overwhelming majority. And, of course, if the vote does sway my direction I do not want the courts overturning THAT decision. Maybe I know where I stand after all . . .