What is fear afraid of?

A few days after my parents left for Seattle, I went back to looking for a job full time. After having no luck finding chaplaincy openings on the major jobs sites, I decided to go directly to the source. I went to the websites of every major hospital in the LA and Claremont area and found one chaplaincy job opening. Only one! Unfortunately, it was at St. Vincent's and it was for a catholic chaplain. Therefore, I really found zero job openings. Sigh

Needless to say, this news totally deflated by "find a job" bubble and kicked up (all at once) all my anxieties about getting a job. I cried for an hour - would have been longer but I had to go to my part time job. I fear that I'm never going to find a job that uses the degrees that I have worked so hard to receive. Then I get angry that I went through so much crap to get one of them and now it's not helping me on my career path. I fear that Jeremy is going to have to struggle to pay more than his half of our bills while he is working to finish his Ph D. I want to work so that he can go to school without the stress of having to make money. Plus, I know that he'll be happy if I'm happy and so I want to be happy not only for myself but for him. Lastly, of course this also started a cycle of internal negativity that goes something like this: I'm upset because I don't have a job, then I think I should be okay with not having a job because I shouldn't define myself by my job, but then I know that I define myself that way (I've always been the job - I've always been a student and student worker), and thus I get upset that I am upset when I'm telling myself not to be upset.

While I know that I shouldn't let my fears run my life - I also know that the fears I state above are not entirely unfounded. California doesn't accredit a lot of its own schools in terms of counseling, so you can imagine what they think of an out of state degree. I'm still working towards ordination in the UM church - an act more easily completed if I would stay in one state for the next few stages. On the other hand, while Jeremy is under a lot of stress with working and school - he probably wouldn't be doing any less even if I did have a full time job.

While I'm still allowing myself to experience these feelings, I have come to some interesting discoveries about fear. Fear is a complicated emotion and I can be fearful of fear. For instance, my fear of not having a job keeps me ever applying because I know that if I don't apply I will never land a job. I don't know enough people out in CA to network my way into a job, therefore applications are my only hope. It's as though I am fearful of the fear that I will never have a job. This fear of fear seems to serve as a motivator. However, fear can also serve as an immobilizer. Sometimes the fear that I'll never get a job leads to the thought - "why bother applying?" On these days it is a lot harder (if not near impossible) to apply for jobs. I fear pain and needles - so while this keeps me away from intravenous drugs it also keeps me from getting regular shots (like tetanus) if I can get away with not having them, of course. When getting a shot I have to convince myself that I am more fearful of the disease I am being vaccinated for than I am the needle itself.

This has affected the way that I talk to people about fear. What does it mean to face fear? Is it just not feeling scared? It seems that I face fear with fear. I used to think that fear could be quantified ... fear in small doses was probably helpful but more inhibiting in larger doses. I'm not sure that recent experiences are falling in line with this theory. The question has become, how do I tap into the motivational fear and not be inhibited by fear? Maybe fear is only afraid of itself?

Vegas Baby Vegas

I was in Las Vegas last week with my parents and Jeremy. It was a wonderful, relaxing time. By Wednesday I think I had finally let go of my anxiety about not having a full time job and taking a week off of my part time job (more on that in a later post).

We saw most of the big sites and major casinos in Vegas. I dreamed of pulling off a heist like Ocean's 11. Of course, instead, I lost 6 dollars by gambling. (I was up a few times but I wasted it all away on the hopes of a bigger win). We started the trip with a big bang and we saw "The Lion King". It was amazing! The actors were amazing - the choreography is top notch - every inch of the stage is utilized in amazing ways - I think I could see the show another 15 times and see something new every time. I cannot say enough about the amazingness of this show. If you have the opportunity - go see it. It will be worth your time. The new songs that are added for the show aren't all that exciting, but it's hard to top something written by Elton John. The Lion King was showing at the Mandalay Bay casino - so we also spent a little time looking around there. Each casino has it's own flavor, so to speak. So it was fun just to walk around the different ones.

The next day we spent the morning in the pool. The pool was heated and it was in the high 80s that day - so it was a little like swimming in bath water. Fun though. We had a wonderful buffet at the Main Street Casino for lunch and dinner at the Hoffbrau House. (Sorry if I'm just butchered the German language there.) The Hoffbrau House isn't identical to the one in Germany, but it's close. It was fun and loud. LOL Good beer, I hear. (Hard to know for sure since I don't drink beer myself.) We ended the evening at the Bellagio and saw the dancing water fountain. They didn't play Clair de Lne by Debussy like at the end of Ocean's 11 - I was slightly disappointed. The Bellagio is gorgeous though.

Tuesday we went to the Mirage to see the Secret Garden and Dolphin Park. They have some beautiful animals there, including a baby leopard named Java. Jave was cute and playful. That night we saw Bette Midler in concert. Bette puts on a wonderfully entertaining show. She is the people's Diva - had to fight for that spot with Sarah Palin.

Wednesday we left the strip and drove out to Hoover Dam. What an amazing feat of engineering. It would cost a fortune to build today; not that I coudln't help thinking about what project Obama could start that would similarly help Americans out of this depression. That evening we walked around the MGM Grand, had amazing food at a Spanish Tapas restaurant, and saw the Star Trek movie. The Star Trek movie is worth the hype. It is clever science fiction writing, good looking actors (who can actually act ... though we are comparing them to the actor who made a living off the term "bad actor" - William Shatner. Who, by the way, I absolutely love in Boston Legal), and great direction by JJ Abrams.

The next day was gloomy and cold (for Vegas). So I went the gym and ran about 3 miles in 30 minutes. I'm not breaking any records with the 10 minute mile - but if you know me, you know I HATE RUNNING! I'm trying to have a better attitude about it and so I'm proud of my 10 minute mile. We spent the afternoon playing games in the suite - I'm awesome at Scrabble Slap. Jeremy was one with the dice in "Phase 10 the dice game". My dad was a good sport - he hates losing and didn't win a single game - though he came in second at Scrabble Slap. We had a wonderful Italian dinner at the Venetian. The Venetian has the cutest shopping/restaurant area. Then we saw the Blue Man Group. The Blue Man Group is awesome! I have not laughed like that in a long time. That show is keeps you engaged with all your senses - and is even partly educational. Fun fun! A must see in Las Vegas.

Friday we left the strip again and drove out to the Valley of Fire. It was gorgeous! The pictures do not do it justice. We walked up a short, 1/2 mile trail where at the end was a "tank" made out of the rocks where water collects. There was a little water in it. I guess some guy named Mr. Mousse hid out there in the late 1800s and that water was how he survived. Hard to imagine, I must admit. In the evening we went for Thai food. It was my mother's first experience with Thai. It was unfortunately not the best food as it had lots of cilantro in and my mom and I are not big fans - we think it tastes like soap. Oh well. Then we went to an art fair in the evening. The art was local artists - everything from photography or paintings to jewelry. There were some really strong artists and then some things that I could have done with my eyes closed which I do not think should qualify as art.

On Saturday we went to the Luxor and the Excalibur (because it was right next door). The Excalibur is the cheesiest of the casinos. It's where you go if you decided to bring your kids to Vegas. The Luxor was fun because it had a nice exhibit about the Titanic. I learned that there were quite a few people who were "transferred" to the Titanic from other ships for various reasons. I'm sure that would have seemed like an awesome thing, at the time. Many of these transfers didn't survive though, as they were transfered to second or third class. The exhibit really highlighted the class distinctions. It had a lot of the actual items recovered from the "crash" site. Thus, it showed which china was used in first class and what the rooms looked like and sounded like in third class. It was depressing, of course, but interesting. We ended the week by going to the Freemont street experience - which is a light display shown over a bunch of shops and a casino. It's fun but it doesn't top the fountain at the Bellagio or a good fireworks display.

We had to get up early on Sunday so I could make it to work at noon. My parents came home with us. They stayed through Wednesday. It was fun to show them around. We had bad luck with things being open that we wanted to see ... the Village in town is pretty much closed on Monday - which I forgot until we were walking around. Then we tried to go to an art museum in Pasadena on Tuesday to find that all the museums are closed on Tuesdays. Anyone else think that's random? We did. We finally went to the museum on Wednesday. My parents flew up to Seattle on Thursday morning and I mourned that they were gone. I really loved having them around.

So that's been the last week and a half. I hope you enjoyed the pictures. More pictures are posted on facebook. Vegas is fun - its goal is to take your money but give you entertainment in return. If you need to relax - I highly suggest it.

How should leadership function?

Earlier this week the courts in California upheld proposition 8 - the proposition that strips the rights of homosexual couples to obtain a marriage license in the state of California. While I mourn with those whose rights have been taken away and I celebrate with those 18,000 couples whose marriages were upheld, I am torn about whether or not to be angry with the courts for their decision.

What is leadership? Is leadership speaking for the voice of the people who have voted you into the leadership position? Or is leadership about making decisions that may go against the populace but be in the best interest of the populace?

As someone who is often like Goldilocks - not in breaking into houses but in liking things "just right", I believe that leadership is both. The question then is when should the leadership choose to lead by popular opinion and when should they lead by "best interest"?

Of course, maybe the irony of this is that the leaders that spring to my mind who led by "best interest" were not elected officials - Martin Luther King Jr. (though he did seem to be "elected" by his peers as their leader) and Jesus. These two men led by example, an example that was counter to the rules and beliefs of the greater populace of their times.

The other irony is the question, "What determines whether the "best interest" form of leadership was actually in the best interest of the populace?" While racism unfortunately still exists in the world, most people would agree that racism is inherently hurtful/harmful to the betterment of the world. However it seems obvious that during MLK Jr's time that his leadership was not in line with what the greater populace believed. Therefore from my 21st century viewpoint I can see that MLK Jr stood for what was right even in the face of a majority who believed otherwise. However, that is the advantage of hindsight. Is there a way to determine what is "right" without hindsight?

At this point, it's probably obvious that I am trying to convince you, the reader, AND myself that the courts should have found a way to lead by "best interest". The problem, for me, is that I really like voting. I'm a new California resident and I am loving voting every few months. Now, it's frustrating that more people don't vote identical tickets to myself - half the votes at least have not gone my direction. Doesn't matter for my enjoyment though. I love it! I like having the right to vote and make decisions about this state at the ballot box. In this weeks court decision, the judges ruled that reversing Prop 8 would negate this right. I appreciate their apprehension here. What would be the point of voting if the courts were to overturn the vote?

Where does this leave me? I'm still pondering. At this point, I can only hope I get to vote again and again until the majority of the population is in line with my understanding of love and homosexuality. The "majority" in this last vote was ~ 52% to 48%. That is a majority but it's not an overwhelming majority. And, of course, if the vote does sway my direction I do not want the courts overturning THAT decision. Maybe I know where I stand after all . . .

PortArthur Wedding weekend

So here I am with this past weekend's bride and friends. Congratulations Tracy and Mike for a beautiful wedding. Everyone had a great time. It was a great weekend that really represented the best of the couple.

The weekend started with the bachelor and bachelorette party. We all started at the same restaurant in New Orleans. Then the men and women went to opposite ends of Bourbon street and danced and drank the evening away until we met in the middle at Pat O's. It was a night to catch up with friends and meet new ones.

The next night was the rehearsal dinner - a crawfish boil. The food was amazing! We learned to dance to Louisiana music. The couple has totally missed a calling as dance instructors.

The wedding itself was one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever attended. Even the location of the wedding was an expression of the couple. It was in Louisiana where the couple met and was hosted by friends of the couple. The other pictures are of the grounds where the wedding took place - you can see the beauty. Although I must say that I've been spoiled by the lack of mosquitoes in California. I was eaten alive by those evil little buggers.

My favorite part of the wedding involved friends of the couple speaking about them. The couple asked 11 of their friends to speak on 8 different aspects of the couple's relationship that the couple thought the friend(s) represented. For instance, I spoke about compassion. The couple said that it was a great experience because it helped them appreciate the roll their friends play in their relationship.

As you can tell, it was a great weekend. I had great conversations with friends I've had since before kindergarden, I got on average 4 hours of sleep a night (it's been a long time since I've been so tired - and on top of jet lag!), and I got to see my parents. Thanks again Tracy and Mike!

Journaling Presentation

I gave a short presentation today to the youth group of Claremont UMC about journaling. What follows is a rough outline of the presentation I gave today.

Give yourself maybe 10 minutes and quickly do the following exercises:

1. What did you have for lunch this week?
2. What do you feel about the last thing you did today?

Well my friends, Congratulations! Just in writing answers to those questions you have brought some healing to your life. Yes, even just listing what you had for lunch this week can be therapeutic, especially because it makes you use your memory. While the more personal the journaling the greater the therapeutic benefit, research has shown that the simplest of journaling is still therapeutic.

I started journaling 10 years ago when my mother gave me a gratitude journal (it was the book of the month from Oprah). I have been journaling with varying consistency ever since. At some point during my time at Christian Theological Seminary I noticed that I was far more consistent in my journaling during times when I was super stressed or super happy. When I started having great success with the clients I was counseling who were journaling, I decided to look at the role of journaling in the healing process. My master's thesis was entitled "Journaling and the art of self care". Through the research for and writing of the thesis I came up with a theory of how journaling works...

How journaling works:

1. Honestly, no one is entirely sure. What we can see, or measure, of course, is self ratings of happiness/contentment.

2. In other words, people report that they feel better, do better work, have better friendships, etc after they journal. People say that journaling is helpful in the following ways

a. clears head

b. not bottling - emotional release

c. helps rationalize

d. or the exact opposite, I don't have to be rational when I journal

3. My understanding of what happens/why journaling is beneficial is two fold ...

a. There seems to be multiple parts to the self. One might even say that I am made up of multiple selves. I am my Godself, my school self, my family self, my friend self, what other selves can you think of? I believe the acts of writing/creativity and reading/seeing what is created bring the different parts of the self together into a cohesive oneness. It might be that I choose to write with my school self, but it is my friend self who will do the reading of what I wrote. It is the bringing together of these different parts that leads to healing. It is almost as though through journaling we learn a little more about ourselves AND through learning about ourselves we learn to silence our inner critic that is negative thus we learn to like ourselves better.

b. Connected to learning to like yourself is the saying "Love your neighbor as thyself".

- we have to first learn to love ourselves and to do that we have to learn about ourselves ... learning how we journal, what we journal about, etc help us learn who we are and thus how we can love ourselves better - once we know that we can learn to love others better

Have you ever tried to journal or keep a diary in the past? Why have you stopped if you've stopped? What has kept you from trying if you've never started?

Here are a few of the excuses I have heard before ...

Excuses for not journaling.

1. no time/too time consuming
2. hate to hand write
3. don't want someone else to read it
4. don't want to face the emotions - too exhausting to face what I might write

Why the excuses should be overcome. (the numbers correspond to the above excuses)
1. much like exercise, the therapeutic gains are too much and help with so many facets of life to let time be an excuse - and it doesn't have to take much time ...
2. if you don't like to hand write find another outlet, draw, color, use the computer and type it
3. you can password protect your files if you put them on the computer, hide or lock journals ... also research shows no decline in the therapeutic benefit of journaling if you share your work with others
4. the only thing worse than being exhausted from facing emotion is to bottle up your feelings

I encourage you to start journaling. To help you get started, here is a list of different ways journaling can be done. This is a non-exhaustive list and I would love to hear your ideas about journaling.

1. drawing
2. reading scripture
3. other book and writing about it
4. Dear Diary/Journal/God ... my day ...
5. Gratitude list
6. I feel ...
7. exercise and food journal
8. to do list - be sure to cross off what you've done for added therapeutic benefit
9. write poetry
10. finding a book on journaling and doing what it says - Dan do you know if the church library might have such a book? If not, I'm sure the public library does.
11. art - collage, painting, etc.
12. travel journal
13. online blog
14. online journal
15. word vomit - set a page limit and then just write until you fill up the space
16. decision journal

Intergrity, rants and thoughts

In a recent interview I was told, "Integrity is the easy part". My response was a short uncomfortable laugh while I shot this woman a glance that said, "Are you freaking kidding me?" I work hard every day to maintain my integrity and I find it a difficult but rewarding task. "Is this woman a superwoman who doesn't have trouble with integrity," I wondered to myself. Then, of course, I learned this came from the woman who said she would call the next day to let me know whether I got the job or not and never called - or hasn't called to this date, a good week and a half after she said she'd call.

Then there is this story: a good friend of mine went to a store that personalizes gifts through engraving or embroidery. My friend purchased journals and took them to the store. She asked that the store engrave the name of person to whom she is giving the journal on a small plaque in the lower right hand corner of the front cover. She had four of these journals. On a fifth journal she asked for something slightly different. When she came back to the store a week later to pick up her journals, she found that the first four journals had been done in the style she had requested only for the last journal. The sales representative did not apologize for the mistake but eventually explained to my friend how the problem could be fixed. My friend was unhappy but was willing to wait another week to get something closer to what she asked for. A week later, she goes back to the store to find that the journals look identical to how they did the first time. The store did nothing to correct the mistakes. This time when my friend asked them to correct the mistakes or give her a discount, the store refused. Not only did they refuse to correct the mistake, they told my friend that it was her fault that the mistakes occurred. When my friend seemed unhappy with this, the store offered to correct the mistakes for an addition charge per item. Of course, it would take yet another couple days to get the product. My friend doesn't have the time to wait. She's already given them 2 weeks. Why did they offer to make the changes the first time the problem was pointed out if they weren't going to make the changes? When they decided not to make the changes, why didn't the store call my friend and tell her? The moral of this story - DO NOT shop at the store "Hands off it's Mine" in the Claremont Village, they have no integrity.

Integrity sounds easy. It's simple - just do what you say you will do, be on time or call if you're going to be late, it's mostly common courtesy type things. However, with as often as many of us are unable to keep our word (and I'm sure I've been known to break my word) ... maybe integrity is harder than it seems ... or maybe too many of us, like the employer, take integrity for granted.

I'm sure most of us intend to do what we say we will do. Sometimes it's just hard to do what we said we would do. Calling someone to tell them the job was given to someone else or that the changes one promised to make are not going to be made is not a fun task.

When I think of integrity, I often think of Phoebe from the TV show Friends. (Of course, a lot of things remind me of Friends, but that's another point altogether.) Early in the show, Phoebe is asked if she would like to do some work with the guys. Her response, "Oh, I wish I could but I don't want to". While I laugh because this is rude, every time I have the same thought: "What refreshing honesty!" Maybe there's a lesson we can all learn from Phoebe. The lesson is this: while we may sometimes feel or even be rude in order to keep our integrity everyone benefits more from the integrity rather than the lie that occurs, even unintentionally, from losing it.

The Start of Something New

Where to start? I guess I'll start with honestly stating how I decided to blog. ... Well, I've been home all day and I have spent the day in front of the TV watching America's Next Top Model Season 11 on Oxygen while I search for and apply for jobs. As many of you know, I am that person who will read the last page of a book to make sure that her favorite character survives (yes, I even did that when I read the last Harry Potter book). Therefore, since I had never seen this season of the show before I went online and googled America's Next Top Model. From there, I was directed to one of my favorite websites, Wikipedia. The wikipedia article tells me who wins (and who is kicked off in each episode) and it also tells me that my favorite contestant, Analeigh Tipton, has a blog. I read a few of her entries and was inspired by her to write my own.

So, there's the guilty truth - I enjoy ANTM, and there's my shout out to Analeigh Tipton.

I intend for this blog to be about what is means to define who I am. I've been working hard on the process of defining who I am ever since I moved to California. I don't know when I started to define myself by what I do - as a straight A student, a counselor, a super busy person who had every minute of every day scheduled and was able to be present for all of it, etc. However, once that was all stripped away ... I wasn't entirely sure what to do with what was left. This all happened as I was also trying on new titles like wife and Californian. It's been quite a ride as I relearn who I am without using titles to maintain my self-esteem.

Lately, I've been struggling with sadness connected to the fact that I don't have the title of "Employed Full Time". However, even as I think about that every day, I also think about what not having a full time job is currently doing for me. I want to enjoy the free time even as I work towards applying for a new job.

Not having a full time job allows me to go on vacation with my family and spend time with all the family that is coming out to California to visit. I love and miss my family and I am so glad that so many of them are coming out to see us. I especially can't wait to entertain Jeremy's cousin, Kendra.

The biggest thing not having a full time job allows me to do is to be apart of the many weddings that I have been invited to this summer. Many congratulations to Tracy Hawkins and Kevin Decoux, Tracy Portle and Mike McArthur, and Stephanie Powell and Bryce Furhman. I am so thankful to each of the couples for asking me to be involved in their weddings - I feel truly honored. This reminds me of how lucky I am to have terrific friends. If I had a full time job, I probably would not be able to attend all three weddings for I couldn't get the necessary time off.

I'm sure more discoveries will be coming - for it is always the process that is important. But, for now, I'm going to be uplifted by the fact that my friends are amazing - what a blessing. They'll keep me motivated and moving forward even when I want to just pout and cry. Thanks everyone!