Yet another re-start ....

Whoa!  It's been over a year since I last wrote a blog post.  Even I'm a little surprised by that gap in time.  However, I don't care to give any excuses, to belabor the point, or come anywhere close to discussing it.  Of course, if you'd like to talk to me about it - I'd be happy to talk about it with you.

I have a new vision for this post.  It's inspired by the different blogs that I've been following lately.  Here are a few such blogs:

www.thesmallthingsblog.com

http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/

colbymartinonline.com

matthewblakewilliams.com

(I don't know what the rules are about publishing links to other people's blogs.  Can I do that without their permission?  Well, hopefully they do not have any problems being connected with me as only half of those bloggers actually know me personally.  Please note here that imitation, even a bad imitation, is the sincerest form of flattery.)

So, my blog posts, (which I hope to do a bit more regularly ... anything will be more regular than the past - a nice and easy place to start from) will now be focused on my goal of sharing my knowledge/experiences with you in a way that can start to make the world just a little bit better.  This is a big statement that I am sure I will unpack in the days/weeks to come.

And so ... I start:

I should preface this by saying I cannot take credit for finding what I am about to share with you.  I was introduced to this by my housemate and amazing friend, Jessica Dunham.

I want to tell you all about the workout class that kicks my butt every time I go:  The Dailey Method.

The Dailey Method - San Diego

The Dailey Method is a full body workout that combines elements of pilates, ballet, and yoga.  It was started by a woman named Jill Dailey.  Each class is focused on leaning and toning the body while maintaining proper body alignment.  This means that this class can be done safely by anyone:  those who have been told that due to injuries they should not do cardio, those who are pregnant, and those who just want a class that will challenge every muscle group.

The Dailey Method San Diego is an amazing organization.  The gym is run by a woman named Ashley Allison.  Ashley has a vision for The Dailey Method San Diego that extends beyond the walls of the gym.  The Dailey Method San Diego is a business that is a living example of the "small business model" that you want to see thrive.  For example:  Ashley has a heart for non-profit work.  She is always seeking out new ways to work with other small business owners to promote a cause.  Another example:  The front desk is managed by ambassadors who are all paid in free classes.  (If you get addicted and you're interested in becoming an ambassador, talk to Ashley about any available shifts or opportunities.)  

If you're in San Diego, I highly encourage you check it out.  Go to the website, check out the facebook page, or just stop by the gym.  While this business was started by a woman and is managed by a woman, it is not only for women.  My husband has taken the class and thoroughly enjoyed it.  The first class is only $10.00.  I warn you - one class is all it takes to get addicted.  The class seems so simple at first, then your muscles are shaking before it is over, and then the next day you know your muscles are rebuilding.  It's a great feeling!  

The Dailey Method is not only in San Diego.  If you're outside of San Diego, I encourage you to see if there is a Dailey Method gym in your area.  Your body will thank you! 

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards the experience of reading "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.

I cried throughout the book.  Of course, as most of you know, tears come pretty easy and, thus, this is probably not surprising.   I cried as Aibileen is telling Mae Mobley that she is a person of substance.  Feeling "less than" is so debilitating.  Finding a way to help someone realize that they are worthy - that is giving someone their life.  

I was in a coffee shop trying to cry as quietly as possible as my heart was breaking.  It's breaking because this is a past that is not taught in every school.  It is a past that people want to say is over because we have elected a black president.  It's breaking because I know I am the beneficiary of the love those ladies showed to the families for whom they worked.  Through their love, these ladies worked to create a better world.

I cried at the end, of course.  I was so mad that Aibileen lost her job.  I was happy that she was given the job of writing the Miss Myrna column.  I was mad that she would continue to not get any credit.  I was touched by the signed copy of the book that the church gave to Aibileen and to Skeeter.  It was the maids who were in the most danger, but the community appreciated that Skeeter gave them an avenue to be heard.  It all felt like progress ... but I wanted more, I wanted better.

While I cannot change the past - I can reaffirm my commitment to the future and say thank you wholeheartedly to all who have worked for change.  I admit that racism and class-ism are not a thing of the past, but occur today.  I hope I can love my neighbor as those maids loved.  

An Innocent escape from being here right now

Chapter 3  Here: Starting Right Now

Here am I, send me.  Here am I, send me.  Lord I can see people, people who need comfort.  Here am I, Lord.  Won't you send me?

I don't want to sound full of myself, but I do not usually find it difficult to be here/present in the moment. 

Although I must admit that my understanding of presence is heavily influenced by two things: 1.  What I need to be able to do to be fully present and 2. discussions of feminist theory and technology.  Let me start with the second influence.  I do believe that most women constantly multitask (better than most men).  I find that I quite enjoy multitasking.  This means that sometimes being fully present may mean that I have my mind on multiple things that are occurring in one space.  My thoughts on technology include a belief that while technology can serve as a distraction, it can also be used to say "I am present".  Take the four-square application for smart phones.  What better way is there to say "I am here" than to check in and let people know that?  I actually feel a small amount of disappointment when I forget to check in somewhere.  Technology (aka my iPhone) can also serve as the conduit for connection that could be the grounding a person needs to be complete  (ie. and I know this sounds like a justification but sometimes it's better to be able to check in on the score of the Colts game than to have to be distracted by knowing the game is on and constantly wondering what the score is.  Yes, technically that game is being played elsewhere - but the point is I am "here" and knowing the score will help keep me so). 

I say all this to admit that my notion of being present may not be what other people call to mind when the topic of being here/being present is discussed.  When the idea of being fully present was discussed in my counseling courses, for instance, I found that being "fully present" was often synonymous with "holding lengthy concentration".  I was learning therapy techniques, so "being here" meant answering the question: How could I make sure that the client felt that I was present for them in the therapy room?  The answers discussed different notions on how we could create a safe space for the client.  One answer we discussed at length was about becoming an "empty vessel" that the client could unload their baggage into.  One answer that was rarely (never?) discussed was the idea of just being wholly ourselves in the therapy room.  Having the strength of conviction to say by our presence in the therapy room: "here I am, I'm by no means perfect, but I believe I have something to offer you which, should you choose to grab it and take it away from this meeting, might enhance your quality of life".  Telling your own story was something you could do but it was always supposed to be a controlled revelation to the client.  Something about all that control didn't sit well with me.  (And if you know me - you know I will openly admit to having control issues - so it's a big thing for me to say that something sounds too controlled.)

So what does it mean to say "Here am I"? 

"Here" is the first word that Brian D. McLaren talks about in his book "Naked Spirituality: A life with God in 12 simple words".  His rational for doing so is fantastic.  He had originally thought about starting with the word "God" but realized that even the name "God" is merely a symbolic representation.  He discusses a poem by C.S. Lewis titled "Footnote to All Prayers", where C.S. Lewis recognizes that the name "God" is a symbol for God.  By praying to that symbol "we may falsely assume that our idea of God is identical to God, that the real God 'out there' is no bigger than and no different from the idea that we have 'in here' in our heads"(33) .  By focusing on the word "here", McLaren hopes to help us live a life that is ever growing in our understanding of God right here and our relationship to God right here.  The end of the poem refers to the idea that " if we aim our arrow-prayers towards the bull's-eyes of our conceptual target -- at our limited ideas of God instead of beyond and above our ideas - our prayers will simply arc back down into the dirt.  Our only hope is that God finds our arrows [prayers] mid-flight and magnetically draws them to their intended destination"(33). 

I love this image of arrows because there is a notion of time implicit in the analogy.  Even if it takes mere seconds to hit a target, there is a gap between when an arrow is released and when it strikes.  The "here" of the moment I said the prayer and the "here" of the moment God responds to that prayer are different.  Therefore, prayers are very future driven.  And I love love love discussions of the future.  I thrive on asking myself the question: How can I make the person I am better tomorrow than I am today?  I'm very optimistic that the future will be better - though, honestly, I sometimes wonder how (if we keep destroying the earth, will there even be future life on earth?  But I digress).  The power of prayer is amazing!  This being said, one thing that a very smart woman once told me (though I questioned the wisdom at the time) is that a constant focus on the future can be a form of avoidance for the "here and now".  I'm still not entirely sold on this notion, but I do appreciate the idea that I could be using the idea of "better future Megan" as a way to not have to live with the reality of "less-better current Megan".  I still make the argument that the only way to actually better one's self is to acknowledge flaws and work towards a better vision - and that better vision can only be created in the present.  That being said, the focus on the future as the lens through which to view my current state could be a way to avoid really looking at who I am "here".  And, since I don't want to live in avoidance, I plan (see that future word) to take some time this week (yes, I also mean right "here" and now) to remove the "future" lens and just be "here" with God.

Being here with God is the only way I can sing this song:

Here am I, send me.  Here and I, send me.  Lord, I can see people.  People who need comfort.  Here am I, Lord.  Won't you send me.

Naked Spirituality: Part 1 of quite a few

I'm sure there's an irony in the fact that I said I was going to do a lenten practice and did so for a whole two days.  Hopefully anyone reading this has found my word to be better than that, at least on average.

Jeremy and I have started attending regularly Mission Gathering church (missiongathering.com).   The church is reading a book titled "Naked Spirituality: A Life With God in 12 Simple Words" by Brian D. McLaren.  Jeremy and I bought the book and I started reading it ... about 10 minutes ago.  Something about the idea of doing something regularly brought me back around to this blog.  Therefore, here I am.  Here's to seeing if this time the practice will last longer than 2 days!

Before we get started in the book, I have to admit that I have my misgivings.  I don't want to sound too full of myself, especially because if it weren't for my husband pointing this out, I wouldn't have noticed it, but I am already fairly ritualized and (dare I say) open with God.  I journal daily(ish).  I read the Bible daily(ish).  I pray daily(ish). I meditate/run daily(ish).  While every moment of my journaling or meditation/running is not necessarily focused on God, the fact that I do these things is a testament to my relationship with God.   I do them because I know I am more open with God, myself, and others when I do them.  To put it more selfishly, I do them because I have learned that I feel better when I do them consistently.  Let us not forget, though, that I resonate with John Wesley and his desire to always be striving for perfection.  Therefore, I sometimes don't realize when I am doing something right until someone else points it out to me.  This is because I am always focusing on where I can do better (read: I can always see where I have fallen short of my original goal).   Back to the misgivings though ... and let me be specific here:  My misgivings come from the fear that this book is going to suggest I do things that I've already tried (read failed) or am already doing (read: not quite doing daily).  I don't want to be bored.  I want books of this nature to be like sermons - I'm looking for a mixture of agreement and pushing my boundaries.  I don't want to be made to feel guilty.  I already know actual daily practice will probably make me feel even better.

The first three chapters have exceeded my expectations.  I've laughed, already cried a little (which, as many of you know is probably to be expected), and I've embraced many of his thoughts.  Here are a few quotes that caught my attention:   

"In the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus talks about turning the other cheek and walking the second mile, he says that if someone takes you to court, suing you for your overcoat, you might as well give them your other clothes too (Matt.  5:38-41), implying, (I think) that in so doing your self-exposure will serve to expose the heartless greed of your opponent" (vi).

"So you might say that good religion is about connecting us together again" (14).  

"Together, we and God are like an elderly couple, bound together through a lifetime of joy and heartache, holding hands with one we love and with whom we have shared everything.  ... So little needs to be said as we sit together looking at the sea, watching the waves roll in.  We start with one kind of simplicity, and we'll someday arrive at a second simplicity that has much in common with the first, but has been deepened, broadened, and strengthened through all we've experienced and endured in between" (28).

I'm not going to elaborate on the quotes, except to say that the last one is a beautiful reminder to me that each little act may not bring about that feeling of knowing that I am connected with God but that when I do get the feeling it will be, in part, because of the small actions I am taking now.  My faith has not been one of being able to say, "that was my moment of rebirth".  My faith is one of being able to say, "I can't remember a time when I did not know God".  Neither of these quotes is better to be able to say than the other.  Each comes with it's own set of worries and fears.  One could say that once you have met God, the rest of life is about maintaining that relationship. 

Day 2

Don't forget - we lose an hour of sleep tonight!

Daily Bible: November 2

Scripture read today: Mark 14:53-65; Matthew 26:57-68; Mark 14:66-72; Matthew 26:69-75; Luke 22:54-62; John 18:25-27; Mark 15:1; Matthew27:1-2; Luke 22:66-71; Matthew 27:3-10

Jesus is sentenced to death. Peter denies Jesus not once, not twice, but three times. Lastly, Judas hangs himself.

Big words - words directly from the mouth of Jesus - are what ultimately serve as the sentence to death for Jesus. However, what struck me was how hard the government worked to find reason to sentence Jesus to death. They brought in all these liars to come up with good reasons to kill him. The problem with liars is that they were eventually caught in their lie. It made me wonder - if the liars had done a better job, would Jesus have spoken to say that he would be seated at the right hand of the father? In other words, was Jesus forced to say what he did because he knew it would be inflammatory enough to get what he was looking for - a death sentence?

Can you imagine what that situation must have been like? Imagine a modern-day courtroom. You're being charged with murder and it comes with a death sentence. The prosecution has presented their case and it is riddled with holes. They have no case. Yet, you know you are guilty. Do you present the court with the evidence of your guilt? Or, do you say to yourself "they didn't do their job well" and take the not guilty verdict?

Now, of course, we have the modern benefit of understanding the full story of Jesus and the resurrection. And we can only assume that Jesus understood what was to happen to. That being said - Jesus is in the above situation. His "get out of jail free card" was presented to him - no one could even lie well enough to create a case against him! He could have walked away. He does not do this though, he gives them the case and is handed the "guilty" verdict.

I'm back!

It never ceases to amaze me how I can have something on my internal "to do list" for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years and it still will never get done. Yes, I have never entirely forgotten about the fact that I had this blog and that I have been meaning to provide some sort of update.

My mind is filled with things I have meant to say - some sort of update on life or on how my job was going. It's also filled with things that I still hope to say - I do actually have a plan for how I will be able to write every day. At the moment though, I am watching the coverage of the tsunami and earthquake damage in Japan and the coastline in CA. I feel I cannot go on without expressing my prayers for all who are impacted by this natural disaster - all who have lost a loved one, a friend, everything they own, a place to work, land, a place of memories, etc. May those who have been impacted be able to find their basic needs taken care of and comfort for their pain.

I'm a few days late for starting something for lent but I've started everything a little late this year. I had a bad ear infection over the New Year and I had a bad fever that I could only keep down with medication on Ash Wednesday. Therefore, I'm learning that late is often better than never. I've never been very good at giving something up for lent - for example if I give up a food item up after a week or two I forget that I cared that much about the given food and find something else to replace it. Therefore, the past few years I've been trying to add practices to my life during Lent that make me a more well rounded person. This year I have decided to blog every day as part of my journaling practice. I am reading the Bible every day - the "One Year Chronological Bible: The entire New Living Translation in 365 daily reading arranged in the order the events actually occurred."

Let me be honest - I've been reading this Bible for about 3 years now. Therefore, I'll be starting this practice on what is labeled "November 1" in the book. Here is the scripture I'll be reading today:

John 18:1-2; Mark 14:32-42; Matthew 26:36-46; Luke 22:39-46; Mark 14:43-52; Matthew 26: 47-56; Luke 22:47-53; John 18:3-24

What you'll find is that due to the chronological nature of the layout of this Bible, I will be reading the same aspect of the story of Jesus from each Gospel. Ironically, this will be starting with Jesus in the garden/grove of Gethsemane.

In Gethsemane, Jesus says "Please take this suffering from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." This line stood out to me today, because I read it differently than I did in the past. In the past I always read it as though Jesus was conflicted. On the one hand, Jesus understands that he is about to be put to death on a cross and he knows it will be painful and lives in some fear of that path and is asking God for a different plan. On the other hand, Jesus knows that he is following the path that God has highlighted and Jesus trusts God over himself to know which path is best. However, when I read this passage today, I read it as though Jesus is saying to God, "I'm doing this for you but could you please take away my suffering while I do it"?

I'm sure I heard it this way because I had a similar prayer last night. I was up worrying about things I need to do today. I know what it is I need to do but it's not going to be very pleasant. Therefore, I was praying to God to ease my anxiety, let me sleep, so that no matter how things went down today I could act as God would like me to act. It would often be easier to do the things I need to do if there was less anxiety surrounding those things.

I also found it interesting that Jesus asks his disciples to keep watch. Does Jesus not trust himself at first? Does Jesus trust himself by the end because through his prayers and through watching the Disciples he knows he has the strength to do what comes next?

The kiss from Judas caught my attention today in a new way also. It is interesting to me because it means that the guards that are with Judas will not recognize Jesus from among his disciples. I always think that Jesus was a somehow notable figure. When Jesus traveled, many followed asking for healing. I would think this would make one a recognizable. However, this obviously must not be the case. And maybe he was - to those who needed him. However, he may not have been recognizable to others. There was actually some question as to which one of the men who travel together is Jesus. What if Judas had chickened out and kissed the wrong guy?

Highlights of the last month

First, I must apologize for it being so long since I last wrote. I can't even believe it has been that long. Big things happened in this last month ... here are the highlights:

SSP - Sierra Service Project

The last week in July, I left with the youth from Claremont UMC on a mission trip to Covelo, CA/ more specifically to an Indian Reservation called Round Valley. A little history seems appropriate: Sierra Service Project is a nonprofit organization that was founded in 1975 by United Methodist pastors. It was based off a a similar organization called Appalachian Service Project (ASP). As a youth and young adult, I went on ASP every year since I was old enough to go. Therefore, I was overjoyed when the youth asked if I would serve as a chaperon. I have to admit, it was almost ironic that I was asked to go - I remember when I moved to CA I threw away all my old ASP clothes thinking "I won't be able to go on ASP again for a while - I don't need these." I still wish I hadn't done that - but the good will provided the inexpensive clothes I needed. I also had to get past the thought of "dang - I am old enough to be a chaperon!?!" Even as my last few trips to ASP were as an "adult" - I didn't actually have any responsibility and my father was still there. This would be my first trip without my father and actually leading my own group. Can we say responsibility? So with some trepidation and tons of excitement I drove over 10 hours from home with 19 youth and three other adults to Covelo, CA.

If you've ever gone on a mission trip, then you will understand when I say that words do not do justice to the experience. One of my best friends, Aeron, and I have always said that nothing would ever beat our first year on ASP; no matter how amazing the following years there was a special nostalgia attached to the first year. Well, this, my 10th (or more, I've lost count) mission trip experience falls a very, very, very close second to that first trip - it's almost tied. That is how amazing this experience was.

On this trip, and for the first time since my honeymoon, I finally felt I was in the right place at the right time. I felt that the gifts that I have been studying and honing for the past 4 years could be used - and they were used and it felt amazing! I counseled both adults and youth. I co-led a group of 6 youth in building a large deck.

Speaking of leading a group of youth to build ... I have so much respect for my father who led groups by himself for about 10 years! In my sweet childlike mind I had somehow just expected that my father just knew how to do this building stuff. Now I know, that's not the case. Like me he was just following instructions ... it was a lot like putting together bookshelves from Ikea. You can see the picture, you have most of the tools ... but it's really luck and brains that get you to a completed project. My respect for his work and leadership did increase, though. (Don't worry - I immediately called him when I got home and told him this.)

Obviously, building a deck is a huge self-esteem boost. The whole week was an energy boost for me. The on-site staff were amazing and an inspiration for all. This was their second to last week of the summer - they'd been working for the past 6 weeks or so on previous projects and with all Jr. High. One might think that this staff would be slightly tired. They might have been tired, but they never let that show. They gave these youth everything they had. They danced with the youth, they shared their life experiences with the youth, some of them even drove over 3 hours out of their way on Saturday to be able to give the youth of CUMC one of the biggest and best surprises! I came home with way more energy than I left with (though I was physically exhausted!).

So, a huge part of the experience was how amazing it felt to feel useful and how much energy the week gave me. It was also an incredibly spiritual experience for me. This spirituality had two components. The first one was connected to that feeling of being in the right place at the right time. Not only was I in the right place at the right time, but I could see the ingenuity of God to call this particular group of over 70 people together. Now, this is not the time for me to describe my understanding of how God calls people and people have to respond so let me just say that it was refreshing to see the amazing amount of inclusion that can occur between 70 strangers when all 70 are saying yes to God at the same time. No one left Covelo feeling like they did not have a place in the group. It may not have been the place they wanted or envisioned upon arrival in Covelo, but a place of acceptance was found by all. It's always a blessing to hear a youth say they have found a place where they knew they were important. The second component was personal. God and I have a lot of conversations about patience. Now, I never ever pray to ask God for patience because of the fear that God will then create a situation where I have to learn to use it. I still hope to be known for the saying "Patience is a virtue ... that I do not have time for." Thus, you can imagine how I've been enjoying my constant job searching and what I may have been talking to God about. I can't say that I heard anything specific from God over the week, but every time I prayed I was reminded of how amazing the week was - I felt God telling me to live in the moment - learn from it.

While I'm not sure what I am supposed to learn from the week, two amazing things have occurred since I came home from Covelo.

1. I was interviewed for, offered, and accepted a full time job!

While I was in Covelo (and without cell service - so much for the large network AT&T supposedly provides... I'd have had cell service if I were a Verizon customer, anyways, ...) I got a call for a job interview. As soon as I got home, I was able to call and schedule an interview. The interview and the follow-up interview went well and I was offered a full time position as an enrollment counselor for Concordia's Online Degree Program. I will be helping students enroll for their classes, determine which classes are best for them, helping them get their books, and helping them determine the best way to finance their education. I start the week of Labor Day.

2. I have also been seriously thinking about what future roll(s) I would like to be playing in the United Methodist Church. I am slowly working on ordination. The moving of states really slows everything down. Anyways, I still want to do consulting work with churches who are in struggle - but I would also love to focus on youth, young adults and small groups. These church groups just really energize me and with my background of counseling and groups I think it would be a great match.

Needless to say, I'm so excited about a full time job. A good friend of mine pointed out that the job really works well with what I want to do with youth and young adults - as it shows that I can work well with that age group and care enough to work with them.

The future is looking very exciting. SSP has served as the fuel for this transition. I feel very blessed.