What is fear afraid of?

A few days after my parents left for Seattle, I went back to looking for a job full time. After having no luck finding chaplaincy openings on the major jobs sites, I decided to go directly to the source. I went to the websites of every major hospital in the LA and Claremont area and found one chaplaincy job opening. Only one! Unfortunately, it was at St. Vincent's and it was for a catholic chaplain. Therefore, I really found zero job openings. Sigh

Needless to say, this news totally deflated by "find a job" bubble and kicked up (all at once) all my anxieties about getting a job. I cried for an hour - would have been longer but I had to go to my part time job. I fear that I'm never going to find a job that uses the degrees that I have worked so hard to receive. Then I get angry that I went through so much crap to get one of them and now it's not helping me on my career path. I fear that Jeremy is going to have to struggle to pay more than his half of our bills while he is working to finish his Ph D. I want to work so that he can go to school without the stress of having to make money. Plus, I know that he'll be happy if I'm happy and so I want to be happy not only for myself but for him. Lastly, of course this also started a cycle of internal negativity that goes something like this: I'm upset because I don't have a job, then I think I should be okay with not having a job because I shouldn't define myself by my job, but then I know that I define myself that way (I've always been the job - I've always been a student and student worker), and thus I get upset that I am upset when I'm telling myself not to be upset.

While I know that I shouldn't let my fears run my life - I also know that the fears I state above are not entirely unfounded. California doesn't accredit a lot of its own schools in terms of counseling, so you can imagine what they think of an out of state degree. I'm still working towards ordination in the UM church - an act more easily completed if I would stay in one state for the next few stages. On the other hand, while Jeremy is under a lot of stress with working and school - he probably wouldn't be doing any less even if I did have a full time job.

While I'm still allowing myself to experience these feelings, I have come to some interesting discoveries about fear. Fear is a complicated emotion and I can be fearful of fear. For instance, my fear of not having a job keeps me ever applying because I know that if I don't apply I will never land a job. I don't know enough people out in CA to network my way into a job, therefore applications are my only hope. It's as though I am fearful of the fear that I will never have a job. This fear of fear seems to serve as a motivator. However, fear can also serve as an immobilizer. Sometimes the fear that I'll never get a job leads to the thought - "why bother applying?" On these days it is a lot harder (if not near impossible) to apply for jobs. I fear pain and needles - so while this keeps me away from intravenous drugs it also keeps me from getting regular shots (like tetanus) if I can get away with not having them, of course. When getting a shot I have to convince myself that I am more fearful of the disease I am being vaccinated for than I am the needle itself.

This has affected the way that I talk to people about fear. What does it mean to face fear? Is it just not feeling scared? It seems that I face fear with fear. I used to think that fear could be quantified ... fear in small doses was probably helpful but more inhibiting in larger doses. I'm not sure that recent experiences are falling in line with this theory. The question has become, how do I tap into the motivational fear and not be inhibited by fear? Maybe fear is only afraid of itself?

Vegas Baby Vegas

I was in Las Vegas last week with my parents and Jeremy. It was a wonderful, relaxing time. By Wednesday I think I had finally let go of my anxiety about not having a full time job and taking a week off of my part time job (more on that in a later post).

We saw most of the big sites and major casinos in Vegas. I dreamed of pulling off a heist like Ocean's 11. Of course, instead, I lost 6 dollars by gambling. (I was up a few times but I wasted it all away on the hopes of a bigger win). We started the trip with a big bang and we saw "The Lion King". It was amazing! The actors were amazing - the choreography is top notch - every inch of the stage is utilized in amazing ways - I think I could see the show another 15 times and see something new every time. I cannot say enough about the amazingness of this show. If you have the opportunity - go see it. It will be worth your time. The new songs that are added for the show aren't all that exciting, but it's hard to top something written by Elton John. The Lion King was showing at the Mandalay Bay casino - so we also spent a little time looking around there. Each casino has it's own flavor, so to speak. So it was fun just to walk around the different ones.

The next day we spent the morning in the pool. The pool was heated and it was in the high 80s that day - so it was a little like swimming in bath water. Fun though. We had a wonderful buffet at the Main Street Casino for lunch and dinner at the Hoffbrau House. (Sorry if I'm just butchered the German language there.) The Hoffbrau House isn't identical to the one in Germany, but it's close. It was fun and loud. LOL Good beer, I hear. (Hard to know for sure since I don't drink beer myself.) We ended the evening at the Bellagio and saw the dancing water fountain. They didn't play Clair de Lne by Debussy like at the end of Ocean's 11 - I was slightly disappointed. The Bellagio is gorgeous though.

Tuesday we went to the Mirage to see the Secret Garden and Dolphin Park. They have some beautiful animals there, including a baby leopard named Java. Jave was cute and playful. That night we saw Bette Midler in concert. Bette puts on a wonderfully entertaining show. She is the people's Diva - had to fight for that spot with Sarah Palin.

Wednesday we left the strip and drove out to Hoover Dam. What an amazing feat of engineering. It would cost a fortune to build today; not that I coudln't help thinking about what project Obama could start that would similarly help Americans out of this depression. That evening we walked around the MGM Grand, had amazing food at a Spanish Tapas restaurant, and saw the Star Trek movie. The Star Trek movie is worth the hype. It is clever science fiction writing, good looking actors (who can actually act ... though we are comparing them to the actor who made a living off the term "bad actor" - William Shatner. Who, by the way, I absolutely love in Boston Legal), and great direction by JJ Abrams.

The next day was gloomy and cold (for Vegas). So I went the gym and ran about 3 miles in 30 minutes. I'm not breaking any records with the 10 minute mile - but if you know me, you know I HATE RUNNING! I'm trying to have a better attitude about it and so I'm proud of my 10 minute mile. We spent the afternoon playing games in the suite - I'm awesome at Scrabble Slap. Jeremy was one with the dice in "Phase 10 the dice game". My dad was a good sport - he hates losing and didn't win a single game - though he came in second at Scrabble Slap. We had a wonderful Italian dinner at the Venetian. The Venetian has the cutest shopping/restaurant area. Then we saw the Blue Man Group. The Blue Man Group is awesome! I have not laughed like that in a long time. That show is keeps you engaged with all your senses - and is even partly educational. Fun fun! A must see in Las Vegas.

Friday we left the strip again and drove out to the Valley of Fire. It was gorgeous! The pictures do not do it justice. We walked up a short, 1/2 mile trail where at the end was a "tank" made out of the rocks where water collects. There was a little water in it. I guess some guy named Mr. Mousse hid out there in the late 1800s and that water was how he survived. Hard to imagine, I must admit. In the evening we went for Thai food. It was my mother's first experience with Thai. It was unfortunately not the best food as it had lots of cilantro in and my mom and I are not big fans - we think it tastes like soap. Oh well. Then we went to an art fair in the evening. The art was local artists - everything from photography or paintings to jewelry. There were some really strong artists and then some things that I could have done with my eyes closed which I do not think should qualify as art.

On Saturday we went to the Luxor and the Excalibur (because it was right next door). The Excalibur is the cheesiest of the casinos. It's where you go if you decided to bring your kids to Vegas. The Luxor was fun because it had a nice exhibit about the Titanic. I learned that there were quite a few people who were "transferred" to the Titanic from other ships for various reasons. I'm sure that would have seemed like an awesome thing, at the time. Many of these transfers didn't survive though, as they were transfered to second or third class. The exhibit really highlighted the class distinctions. It had a lot of the actual items recovered from the "crash" site. Thus, it showed which china was used in first class and what the rooms looked like and sounded like in third class. It was depressing, of course, but interesting. We ended the week by going to the Freemont street experience - which is a light display shown over a bunch of shops and a casino. It's fun but it doesn't top the fountain at the Bellagio or a good fireworks display.

We had to get up early on Sunday so I could make it to work at noon. My parents came home with us. They stayed through Wednesday. It was fun to show them around. We had bad luck with things being open that we wanted to see ... the Village in town is pretty much closed on Monday - which I forgot until we were walking around. Then we tried to go to an art museum in Pasadena on Tuesday to find that all the museums are closed on Tuesdays. Anyone else think that's random? We did. We finally went to the museum on Wednesday. My parents flew up to Seattle on Thursday morning and I mourned that they were gone. I really loved having them around.

So that's been the last week and a half. I hope you enjoyed the pictures. More pictures are posted on facebook. Vegas is fun - its goal is to take your money but give you entertainment in return. If you need to relax - I highly suggest it.